wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
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