I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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