Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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