i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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