my mouth tastes like poor choices
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
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