How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Randomize