Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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