We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Randomize
