my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
