I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
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