i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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