I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Randomize
