my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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