What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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