Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
