Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
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