She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
