I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
