So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
