in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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