I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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