kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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