I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize