I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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