My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
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