everyone is single if you try hard enough
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
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