Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
