We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize