Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Please dont use Danity Kane lyrics to describe your emotions.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
