She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
Randomize
