He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
