I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Naked Twister starts at high noon
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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