Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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