I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
