what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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