We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
