$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
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