so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
