No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
