My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
