While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
