I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
