I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
