i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
We got so high we made milksteak
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
