OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
