do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Randomize