he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
