Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
