Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
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