so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
