i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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