Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
don't judge my taste in strippers
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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