I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
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