dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
