He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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