as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
Randomize
