It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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