I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
honey bunches of taint.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
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