I never want to see another naked old woman again.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
