all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Randomize
