we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
