Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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